In an attempt to build their child’s self-esteem through positive feedback, many adults use praise like “You’re so smart!”, “You’re so good!,” or “You’re the best!” Caution is warranted, though, because these kind words can unwittingly send the wrong messages.

You’re so smart!!!
No, this isn’t the worst compliment you can give a child… but it isn’t the best, either. Telling someone how “smart” they are can seem to imply that success has little to do with effort and more to do with getting the luck of the draw. Instead, say something that reflects your child’s own good choices or good efforts: “Wow, your hard work and studying really paid off on this math test – great job!” When girls know that their learning and their success is a result of their own good choices and effort, they feel empowered and are more likely to persevere in the face of challenge. You’re so good at that!!!
It’s really great to applaud a child’s talents and personal accomplishments but this over-used phrase doesn’t always help children develop an accurate sense of their strengths and limitations. Nobody is good at everything and if we don’t (gently) help our children develop accurate assessments of their skills, they are likely to feel deflated when someone else’s honesty bursts their bubble. Focus instead on their own personal growth or a specific accomplishment you admire (ex: Wow! You remembered all of the steps to your ballet performance!), since general praise like “You’re so good” does not tell them much about what they should be proud of, anyway!

You’re the best!!!
Be careful, too, of praising your child in reference to a group they belong to, even if it’s to say, “You’re the best player on your soccer team” – who wouldn’t love to be the “best”, right? Well, being the “best” can cause a lot of anxiety for a child who tries to maintain this status, especially since it can’t last forever. It’s a fact of life that, no matter what the talent or attribute, there will be a time when someone “better” comes along.