The many changes a child goes through can leave them feeling confused, frustrated, angry and uncomfortable. What can make things more difficult is the fact that they often don't have the language needed to accurately express their intense feelings. As a result, experiences like being left out at recess, a friend's unkind words, failing a math test, being told "no," or insecurity about looks or social status might be ineffectively communicated through statements like "whatever!," "I hate you!," and "Nobody likes me."

What may seem like your child wanting to push you far away may actually be their best attempt at expressing their feelings and asking for your support. Even "Leave me alone!" should not be taken at face value – stay available or give a hug but don't pressure your child to talk if they really are not ready to do so.

Resist the Urge to Lecture.
Trying to "fix" your child's problem or their hurt by giving some "good advice" can actually stop the conversation before it's begun. Show that you're really listening first.

Using reflective language (or "mirroring") can be an effective way to help your child feel understood and accepted for who they are. Good reflective statements show empathy without judging or trying to solve the problem. You may think that responding to a statement like "I'm so ugly" by reassuring your daughter that she is beautiful would be a good approach but it actually undermines her right to own that feeling as well as her ability to figure out how to deal with the feeling (or whatever precipitated it) with more independence. Instead you could say, "You seem to be feeling pretty bad about yourself right now" and then don't say anything – often, a simple reflective statement followed by your silence is all that is needed for your child to open up about what is at the source of their pain. Just be careful to keep listening and reflecting.

Once they have opened up and you better understand the situation, you could also ask questions that get them thinking about how to solve their problem (ex: "What do you think you can do?", "Would you do anything differently next time?") Be careful not to provide all the answers, though – this is an opportunity for building problem-solving skills and feelings of self-competence.

Stay Calm and Cool
It's difficult not to get pulled in to a verbal tug-of-war when your child criticizes or insults you in the heat of anger – but it is absolutely critical to model the very behavior you would want your child to choose. You may be the easiest target for your child's anger because they feel safe and secure enough that you will still love them after things calm down – they would never think of taking this risk with their friends or other adults in their lives. Do not take it personally. If you feel you want to respond, do so without criticism or sarcasm in your voice or words. You could say something like, "I like you even when you're mad at me."

Moving beyond your child's words takes practice and patience but it will open the lines of communication and provide the support they need to work through difficult feelings and to learn how to cope with the inevitable changes and difficult situations of life.