Dear Anita,

Your daughter may just be expressing her personality, which might be more private than yours. Don't panic or overreact to any one comment she makes. Some pluses are your interest in being a supportive mom and awareness that your daughter is a nice young teen. A 13 year old saying she doesn't want to grow up could mean so many different things. Kids are maturing faster each generation both physically and psychologically. Sometimes the pressure to grow up so fast is overwhelming for children.

Try to keep 'being there' for your daughter, but respect her wish to keep her some of her thoughts private from you at least for now.

It may be especially frustrating for you to feel pushed away by your daughter if you are more open and eager to talk about female things, eg, puberty changes your daughter is going through. But, if she is not comfortable talking about herself to you, back off and try to take your cues from her behavior. Not every daughter has a 'heart to heart' talk with her mom about physical and emotional changes during adolescence. She may be getting a lot more information from her friends than you think. That's not necessarily bad at all. But, her style may be different from yours; hence, you may be too anxious, when your daughter needs you to be as relaxed as possible as she turns from "tween to teen."

Try to find other topics your daughter is more comfortable sharing with you. If you back off and literally talk a little less to her, she may start coming to you and opening up about her life a bit more. In any case, short of any obvious behavioral problems, your daughter is also doing something quite normal for a 13 year old. She is distancing from you!

Adolescence is a time when girls and boys normally want more privacy, turn more to their peers and share less with parents. Kids at this age start closing their doors more and do not want parents to know every detail m of their lives they may have shared a few years ago. It's ok.

Your daughter still needs you very much to be the mom, to guide her at times, set limits, give her opinions, or be her sounding board. But, let her initiate those conversations more and more. Remember, this 'shutting down' could be your misreading your daughter, who is simply pulling away in an age appropriate way.

Of course, if there are major concerns about your daughter's behavior, school performance, social life, etc., by all means talk to her. Otherwise, give her space and let her know that you respect her need for privacy at times, but that you are there for her if she ever wants to talk to you about anything.

I assure you, she will!

Good luck! Dr. Foster