"My daughter just turned 13. We fight constantly about homework. She doesn't like her Math teacher and refuses to put any effort into homework or studying. She has carried a D in the class all year and says that's ok because it's passing. We've taken away TV and karate and tried the reward for grades thing. Nothing really seems to get her attention. Suggestions?" – Sheila

Dear Sheila,

How is your daughter doing in her other subjects? What are her interests? Is she artistic or athletic? You say she took karate. If she loved it, I would not be so quick to take that away. Why? Because she needs some outside activities to build her confidence and feeling of success. All kids need to feel that they are special at something. You may also be especially frustrated with your daughter if you were the opposite as a student. If you loved Math, were a highly motivated, high achieving student, you are expecting the same from your daughter. But, she is not you. The challenge for parents is to find their kid's passions and talents. You probably know what they are or at least know some things that are fun for her. Zoom in on what she enjoys doing and you are already starting to understand your daughter better. Building on what she's good at will go a long way towards motivating her in all areas of her life.

Try to turn around your disappointment with your daughter and shift gears into a more cooperative approach getting your daughter involved with figuring out what she really is good at and loves to do. Try to realize that while she may be bottoming out in Math, you may have a daughter who is very creative or talented in ways you are not recognizing or able to nurture. You are not alone.

I often see kids, who are doing poorly in school, but who have amazing skills and abilities in other areas, eg. music, dance, art, sports. The list of other talents that are not necessarily the main focus of schools is endless. You say your daughter was in karate. Does she participate in other sports? I would encourage her in activities she enjoys. Many successful adults struggled endlessly in school.

Try to brainstorm with your daughter as to what she does like about school. Do not be harsh with her even if she says she hates school. Your challenge as a parent it to figure out what your daughter's strengths are and then to nurture them as best you can. You say she likes TV. What shows spark her interest? Do not assume that all TV or computer time is bad. What your daughter watches or does online is a wonderful window to understand her passions. Of course, set reasonable limits for behavior. But, if homework is not being done, you need to reach out for help, not just assume your daughter is lazy or doesn't care.

It is doubly challenging for parents when their kids are different from them, both in personality and interests. Don't be in a rush or get discouraged if you get an I don't know what I like answer from your daughter. Try to tune in more on what is fun for her, whether it's music, the Internet, being with her friends, or playing with the family pet. These are valuable clues that will help you get to know and understand your daughter better. Be patient. Talk to your daughter about how you'd really like to know what's fun for her. Consider putting her back in karate.

You should also speak to your child's Math teacher, other parents who may say their kids have the same reaction to that teacher, and your child's guidance counselor for some direction. Is there a homework club at school or other school-based resources that may help your daughter get homework done during the school day or after school? Assuming your daughter has no medical or health problems, you may want to consider some brief psycho educational testing, done by a qualified psychologist, to help pinpoint her strengths and weaknesses.

Depression and ADD (attention deficit disorder without hyperactivity) are common under recognized problems that may make school success very tough for your daughter. Be open with the school psychologist or if you're more comfortable discussing your concerns with the pediatrician, let him or her know you are worried that your daughter is having a hard time with school. Get some professional help if you feel stuck. Start with the school staff and always feel like you can ask the pediatrician for advice. They make many referrals for kids struggling, like your daughter is. Remember that there may be reasons she is not succeeding at school, which is not her fault or her being "lazy". Be your daughter's advocate. No child wants to do poorly in school.

Try to keep a positive attitude and know it will take time to turn things around. Let your daughter know that you understand school is hard for her, but that you want to help her feel more successful. She will be grateful and begin to feel understood no matter what she says.

Good luck! - Dr. Foster