"My daughter has a friend that has consistently lied to her, manipulated situations to make my daughter look like the bad guy, etc. My daughter has confronted her about this. Her friend always apologizes and says she won't do it again. Then it starts all over. I do not allow my daughter to visit nor do I permit her to come to visit my daughter. My daughter finally realized her manipulative behavior. However, they hang out with the same group in school. What would you advise her to do or me to do?" – Kim

Dear Kim,

You have taken some good first steps to help your daughter deal with a bully. However, as you well know, the older your daughter gets, the more you need to keep communication open with her so as to know what stresses she is dealing with, eg. a friend who is mean. and thereby help her figure out better ways to cope.

Bullying is very widespread among children. Experts disagree on the extent of the problem, but all agree that bullying is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. A good website for parents and children is: Stop Bullying Now! Information, Prevention, Tips, and Games (http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/index.asp?area=main/).

Try to recognize that while you want to protect your daughter from a friend turned bully, it is best to help her figure out coping skills rather than expect your daughter to have nothing to do with the other girl. Pre-adolescent and early teen girls have relatively limited social coping skills. Knowing their parents are supportive and concerned helps them. But, short of any physical bullying, eg, hair pulling, hitting, pushing, shoving, tripping, kicking, etc., it is better to stay on the sidelines and encourage your daughter to handle this mean friend without your coming to the school to intervene. Also, talk to other parents to get a sense of any other bullying that may be occurring at your daughter's school. There is always room for school effort to address bullying among students, eg, assemblies, posters, and classroom discussions.

Also, try to make sure there is no aggressive behavior going on at home. If your daughter lives with yelling, name calling, any mean-spirited behavior that puts her down or makes her feel helpless, she is much more likely to become a social victim at school or other settings away from home.

In general, you are right to want your daughter to avoid the upsetting peer instigator at school. However, very commonly pre-teen and early teen girls especially do not avoid contact with a particular girl. Sometimes, a cooling off period will solve the problem. But, many a good friendship has temporarily ended with some nasty behavior on one girl's part only to be resumed if or when there is an apology and some kind of sincere change on the part of the girl who has been mean. But, a girl who keeps approaching a bully, may be lacking in self-esteem, perceive the mean girl as "popular" and a way of gaining social acceptance.

Spend extra time with your daughter during this stressful time. Even if she does not readily talk to you, let her know you're in her corner. You may suggest your daughter speak with an adult at school she's comfortable with about the problem, eg, a teacher, guidance counselor or social worker.

Let her know how you may have handled similar experiences when you were her age. Encourage your daughter to focus on other friends or start new activities outside of school as a way to build self-esteem and balance the social stress at school with some fun experiences after school or on weekends. Above all, don't lose patience with your daughter. She is processing and learning about a tough social situation even if she can't express it well to you. Don't reprimand her for still hanging out with this mean girl. She is experimenting and may be hesitant to break off contact with the entire group of friends. Your daughter will eventually learn from this painful experience. Praise your daughter whenever possible for her attempts to handle her mean friend. The more you encourage your daughter to handle things on her own, the more confidence she will gain as a result.

Good luck. - Dr. Foster