"I received my first issue of your MissO newsletter for parents today and read the asking your daughter questions rather so that she begins to think for herself rather than just giving her advice, or a short term fix. My issue is that when I ask my 11 1/2 year old questions that make her think about her feelings or ask her to explain her thoughts to me, I always receive an answer of "I don't know." Is this typical for her age? How can I get her to talk more about her feelings and open up to me? She also cries very easily. Is this just a case of pre-adolescent hormones raging?" – Juli

Dear Juli,

Yes, your daughter's "I don't knows" is very age appropriate. Do not be concerned. She is developmentally just beginning to step back a little bit from you, and starting to think more reflectively. You are no longer the "all powerful authority" as a parent. She will increasingly think things through for herself. This is normal and part of the pre-adolescent maturing process. But, while she is beginning this amazing emotional journey, she will need your help and encouragement as much as when she was learning to take her first steps.

The emergence of more independent thinking takes a very long time. But, the process will not be a smooth one, just as your daughter had many falls and shaky moments as she was learning to walk by herself into toddlerhood. Be patient and don't expect big changes all at once. Your job is to encourage her ability to problem solve for herself whenever possible. If she is truly stuck, lend a helping hand.

Yes, hormonal changes may be a factor in your daughter's sensitivity. If she continues to cry easily, first have her see the pediatrician. Let the pediatrician give you guidance regarding your daughter's physical status developmentally. Is she likely to get her period earlier than most peers?

But, try to shift gears and realize that the more you help your daughter to talk and share with you whatever is going on in her life, sometimes just by listening – really listening to her – the more she will grow and gain confidence. Your presence is important. But, just as you realized one day that she can tie her own shoes or feed herself, the same will be true of her psychological growth. If you react to her "I don't know's" with frustration or impatience, she will not feel like experimenting with new ways of talking to you and thinking about her feelings. You can help her develop her self-awareness by giving her permission to just talk to you about her day. Maybe set a quiet time, when you are not busy with other things to just sit with your daughter and talk. Plan to do some things that she really enjoys. Ask her what she'd like to do with you, and share this time with her. Together you can read a book she chooses or listen to music she likes. The list is endless. Tune in to what is important to her. Short times together like an hour or more on a weekend or 30 min. at bedtime are fine. Plan this "mom-daughter" time. Give your daughter some regular undivided attention. Before long, your interest and encouragement will get her talking more and more.

– Dr. Foster