Dear Robyn,

You are picking up on a pattern with your daughter's social life that shows you are sensitive to her. I would ask you before you ask your daughter, is there any reason you are ashamed of your family, home life or atmosphere at your house? You are right to wonder if your daughter is avoiding having friends over to your home because of bad feelings about having friends at her house. In my experience, I have found that both girls and boys in middle school and above, begin to want to distance themselves from parents, home stress or anything possible, no matter how silly, that makes them feel awkward or embarrassed with their friends. On the flip side, pre-adolescent boys and girls are drawn to settings where there may be too little supervision, which they think is "cool." They are starting to feel a new sense of autonomy on the verge of adolescence, but are not yet mature enough to handle freedom without some parental supervision.

I would suggest starting by talking to your daughter. Ask her why she likes to go to a friend's house, rather than your house. Try to listen to her response with an open mind. Does she have a place to "hang out" with her friends at your house that is relatively private, such as a den or playroom? Sometimes, siblings or even parents can be very distracting or intrusive, without realizing they are. What are her friends like? Do you know them and their parents? Even if your daughter prefers going to her friends' homes, you still must supervise her and know where she is at all times, know the friend's parent or parents and set definite times when your daughter is expected home. Pre-adolescence is a time for a great deal of testing limits with peers and parents. Your presence is very important even if your daughter continues to prefer a friend's home to yours to socialize. Make sure you know who your daughter's friends are. Who else is at a friends' house with your daughter? Try to be patient with her. If your attitude towards your daughter is one of genuine care and concern, your communication will be better than if you are angry at her for not spending time with her friends at your house. There may be something as silly as a friend having a big screen TV, which you may not have, that appeals to your daughter, or other factors, more disturbing, such as lack of parental supervision at a friend's home.

Try to ask questions in as patient a way as you can. Your daughter's personality is also a factor in her choosing to go out of your home rather than stay at home with friends. Ask your daughter what would make her more comfortable having a friend over to your home. She may tell you straight out. Try to listen without getting too emotional. She will appreciate your initiating the conversation, even if she doesn't appear that happy to talk to you. She may be going through a phase and will in time be more relaxed at having her friends over to her house. Try to keep the communication about her social life ongoing. Your daughter needs you to remain involved and interested in her feelings. If your daughter is completely unable or unwilling to talk to you over time and you worry about what she is doing at her friends' homes, or are unsure that she has adequate parental supervision when she goes out, you may want to speak to a mental health professional, who specializes in children and adolescents. But, you don't seem to be at that point yet.

The bottom line is to reach out to your daughter, try to get closer to her and let her know you want her to feel comfortable at your house with her friends. Be patient if she shrugs you off at first. But, if she remains non-communicative, than your responsibility as a parent is to know exactly what she is doing at her friends' that she can't do at home. If you feel frustrated or shut out from your daughter's social life after a month or so of really trying to communicate with her, than seek a mental health professional to consult with. Go on your own at first to discuss the specifics of your concern. Some objective feedback from even one or two visits may shed important light on the problem. While your daughter may never choose to have a party at your home, it is important to find out why she avoids your house with any of her friends.