Dear Melisa,

First, I want to compliment you as a Mom for trying to understand your daughter's behavior. Hard as it may seem, when your daughter is behaving at her very worst, it is important to let her know that you are there for her and want to find out what may be upsetting her. Even if she pushes you away, your presence & concern will register and make a big difference. She needs to know she can count on you to help her through this bumpy time. Your daughter's rude behavior can be responded to as off-putting and inappropriate, but should also be seen by you as a sign of some underlying unhappiness, insecurity, anxiety or a mixture of all. She needs you to be in her corner now more than ever. At 11, I would not expect her to be able to describe what exactly is troubling her. She will probably need help to recognize that her behavior is showing you she is unhappy about something. Start by picking a calm moment to have a conversation with her. Let her know that despite her rudeness, you want to understand what is going on when she slams doors or behaves badly. I would assume that one or several issues are troubling your daughter. You say she has a stepfather, so life is a bit more complicated for her.

Keep letting your daughter know that you love her and will help her get through this tough time. Encourage her to talk to you if something is bothering her, rather than slamming doors or being rude. Ask her if she would like to talk to someone, such as a therapist, to figure out what is making her upset. Some children are relieved to know they can talk to someone other than Mom or Dad when they are unhappy, feeling sad or down.

Second, I would suggest you contact her teacher, guidance counselor, social worker or the appropriate person at school to find out if any similar behavior is occurring at school. How are your daughter's grades? How does she get along socially at school? Try to find out as much as you can about your daughter's functioning at school both academically and with her peers. If there are concerns about how your daughter is doing at school, then you need to follow-up by finding out how to address any problems identified. Most schools are quite responsive to parents whose child may be struggling with schoolwork or social issues.

Third, what is the relationship like between your daughter and her father? Is he there for her? Is he emotionally responsive or even in her life? If you can communicate with him in a constructive way, I would try to involve him in this whole process. He should know that your daughter is really struggling, even if you can't pinpoint the precise issue yet. He should try to be as supportive as possible. If possible, try to put aside any personal tensions, to communicate constructively for your daughter's sake.

Fourth, try to step back and look as honestly as you can at what is going on at home. Are there other stresses or sources of tension at home that may be contributing to your daughter's difficulties coping?

Lastly, I would give a call to your daughter's pediatrician to let her or him know that you are worried about your daughter's behavior. Is she pre-menstrual? Are there any health issues at all to be concerned about? Do you have any suspicion at all that she has access to drugs or alcohol? Also, your pediatrician is a good source for a referral to a qualified mental health professional, which may be very helpful as you try to sort out what is troubling your daughter.