Answered by Patricia L. Foster, M.D. – Board Certified Child & Adolescent Psychiatrist, in private practice in Greenwich, CT.
My daughter who is 8 years old is very smart but yet she has a hard time controlling her emotions she has had lots of stress in her life. When she was 3 her dad almost died and she has lots of stress over that he had a liver transplant and still till this day anytime he goes away of anytime something changes no matter how small she freaks out and can not get control screams and yells and cries uncontrollably no matter if it's school coming to a end or her friend who had been here playing has to leave; I just don't understand her and suggestions on how to deal with this would be greatly accepted. Thanks for reading this. – Stephanie
I agree that your daughter has lived through a very difficult time with her father's illness. However, you are describing behavior that is complicated. Your daughter seems to have a very hard time dealing with transitions or switching gears. Your daughter's inability to adapt to a new situation is not necessarily caused by a traumatic experience, such as her dad's almost dying, but may reflect parts of her personality that need help to mature. In other words, your daughter needs to learn more appropriate ways to cope with change.
I would want to know how your daughter behaves in school, where changes are frequent. Talk to your daughter's teacher to see how she is dealing with school. Don't wait until a teacher/parent conference or report cards come home. Set up a meeting with the teacher to discuss your daughter. If your daughter is having difficulties controlling her behavior in school, then meet with the school psychologist or social worker to get their support and guidance. You also should know what is going on at school that might be frustrating your daughter. Some of her difficulties at school may be spilling over at home. If your daughter is well behaved at school, then she may be showing a pattern of behavior that has become ingrained. That pattern of panicking, crying and falling apart could have begun during that very stressful time for the whole family, when her dad almost died.
Try to put that experience behind you as a mom. Your family is not in that crisis now, so your daughter's behavior is no longer appropriate. But, she may not know other ways to express herself. Expect your daughter to use her words if she is upset. Try to prepare her for transitions. If you are still unable to help your daughter learn better ways to cope with change, then professional help may be the next step. Talk to your daughter's pediatrician. Ask him or her for a referral to a well-qualified mental health professional. You may not need to seek outside help for a prolonged time. But, even a few meetings with a psychologist, social worker or child psychiatrist may make a big difference in the long run.
How can I get my (bashful) daughter to participate in more activities? – Christine
When you say your daughter is bashful, I understand that to mean she is shy. Shyness can be overcome, but most people who are shy have settings where they feel more confident, relaxed and secure. Try to recognize where your daughter is her most comfortable. Every child is different. Not every girl must be or should become a social butterfly or cheerleader. Also, realize that shyness can be overcome, but your daughter needs emotional support to mature. Also, allow and encourage your daughter to experiment with different activities. Talk to her and find out what she might like to get involved with. What does she enjoy doing? Try to build on your daughter's strengths and personality, as you know her best. She does not necessarily have to be involved in a team or group activity, if she feels too overwhelmed or insecure. Explore what activities or clubs are offered at her school. Entering an activity with a friend can be easier and more fun, but is not necessary. If your daughter has a favorite teacher at school, you might consider talking with her teacher to get some ideas as to what talents your daughter has from a fresh viewpoint. There is no set rule that your daughter must follow. If you keep encouraging your daughter by praising her interests and helping her to explore them, she should eventually get to the point of wanting to participate more. Also, don't be afraid if your daughter tries an activity and decides she truly doesn't like it. For example, don't sign her up for a 2 month series of tennis clinics if you are not absolutely sure your daughter will be enthralled to go the distance. Rather, let her watch a tennis clinic, pottery class or anything she may be interested in. See how she reacts. Be patient, flexible, keep a positive attitude and eventually she will come around and find her niche. If you pressure her or lose patience, your daughter will pick up your disappointment. Keep praising her for making small efforts to extend her circle of interests.
I'd like to know if there any books out there that can help me and my mother to discuss about our body and what happen to becoming a woman and what does that mean and my aunt told me about a book from American Girl Library "taking care of my body and you is this good or not please put us in the right directions. Thank you. – Jordan D., 10 years old
How terrific that you wrote a question on your own! The American Girl series has 2 books that might be great for you and your mother to read and talk about together. They are:
The Period Book: Everything You Don't Want to Ask (But Need to Know) by Karen Gravelle, et al
The Care & Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls by Valorie Schaefer, Karen Gravelle, et al
You might also enjoy these books to share with your mother:
Chicken Soup for the Preteen Soul: 101 Stories of Changes, Choices and Growing up for Kids (Ages 9-13)
Chicken Soup for the Preteen Soul II: Stories About Taking Charge, Making a Difference and Moving Through the Preteen Years for Kids Ages 9-13
Chicken Soup for the Kid's Soul: 101 Stories of Courage, Hope and Laughter
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