Did you know that trying to make your daughter "happy" can make her miserable?
Without realizing it, we often tell girls to discount their feelings, minimize their reactions to situations, and ignore their own ideas about the world. Although well–intentioned statements like, "That´s not nice to be angry at your sister" "Cheer up – where´s my happy girl?" "Be a good girl" or "Don´t be sad" undermines your daughter´s right and ability to recognize and respect her feelings. The focus then becomes ignoring feelings in order to make someone else (you!) more comfortable. Statements like these tell your daughter that she´s wrong to feel what she´s feeling. Instead of trying to solve or ignore the problem, reflect how she´s feeling. Try something like "I can see how upset you are – I wonder if you can think of something that might help take care of the problem." Just acknowledging her feelings will help her to begin to move on to making things better and she will be relieved to know that she is not expected to be perfect or happy all of the time, an unrealistic goal that will only lead to a repeated sense of failure.
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